SAN ANTONIO – A domestic abuse survivor is dedicating her life to not only helping children understand when and the safest way to get out of harmful relationships, but also highlighting the subtle signs that can happen that lead up to that boiling point.
Dee Dee Said works as a senior manager for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. She is also the president of the Christian nonprofit organization, Positively Impacting Communities.
“So often, we hear the news story at the end, which unfortunately is usually when tragedy hits,” Said said. “But there are things that lead up to that, so we try to help people understand that dynamic of it all and recognize the warning signs to help prevent and safely leave.”
Said is well-versed in the topic because she lived a painful chapter herself, starting at age 16. She was with her first boyfriend for three years.
“I thought I loved him and hoped that he could change and that I could help him,” she said.
In the beginning, Said said things were great and she loved the thought of having a boyfriend, but that boyfriend soon took advantage of her eagerness to be with him.
“Derogatory comments started,” she said. “Then he started putting down my family and friends and then he started putting me down. He would say I wasn’t smart even though I was in a lot harder classes than he was. He would say I didn’t have common sense. I was on tennis team, and he was saying you’re not coordinated and couldn’t get better.”
Things escalated from there.
“There were a lot of rules that I didn’t know existed until I crossed the line,” she said. “And then there would be yelling and hitting and anger for a while and it was always my fault. I did something wrong.”
She said other harmful things she suffered was that he would pressure her non-stop for sex until she gave in. She also said the threats got more violent.
“He threatened to kill me,” she said. “He took me out to the woods and threatened to kill me because I talked to the wrong person. One time, I wore overalls to the rodeo because they were cute in the 80s and he asked me not to. I did anyways, and he pulled a gun on me when we got back home. He said it was because he found me attractive and was worried someone else would too.”
Overtime, Said isolated herself from activities, the church youth group, friends, and family just to make him happy. She didn’t realize just how dangerous of a situation she was in until one evening, he tried to teach her one more lesson.
“On the way home, he pulled off on a dirt road and raped me,” she said. “Many people would say how could it be rape if you have already had sex. Well, it was rape, and it was not pleasant. It was punishment for not being ready is what it all boiled down to.”
She was 19 years old when that happened, and she soon realized it was time to get out.
“I just wanted to walk away,” she said. “I missed out on so many things in high school from being hidden in this relationship. I wanted to make up and get my friends back and go have fun and enjoy life and move on.”
She said the strength to walk away came from God and his unconditional love, but even 20 years later, she still felt shame and had not yet healed until one day on a bike ride.
“I was struggling to let go of shame and guilt,” she said. “God put the Bible verse on my heart, ‘As far as the east is to the west, I have forgiven you,’ and I knew he had forgiven me, and I had to forgive me to.”
About eight years ago, Said started PIC with a mission to educate kids, their parents, teachers, and others about the subtle signs that lead to the severe violence in an abusive relationship.
Signs like mean jokes, aggressive behavior, false apologies, isolation, denial, and guilt are just to name a few.
She boldly shares her personal story and the research she’s learned in presentations and a book she published called, “It Doesn’t Start with a Punch. My Journey through an Abusive Teenage Dating Relationship.”
“I felt God saying share it in a way that helps people understand what it starts like,” Said said. “It is a good relationship in the beginning. It feels good and then it slowly chips away at you until you don’t know where you are. You have to just find that safe person. If you don’t feel like it is family, maybe it is a teacher or youth director. You are not alone. Reach out to me. People want to help, and God loves each and every one of them.”
Inside the book, there’s extensive research and statistics that could help teens and their friends and families know how to protect against the evils of domestic violence.
She also stresses that healing is a very important aspect of recovery.
If you want to reach out to Said or even get your hands on her book, visit Positively Impacting Communities website at pictoday.org or send them an email at infor@pictoday.org.
